Hi everyone! My name is Rebecca and I am the mother and co-creator of our special blend of crazy. My co-conspirator is Allen and he is the love of my life. We met and married 9 short years ago, each bringing little ones to the table. He brought Allyson, a vibrant as well as frustrating 17 year old (at the time) and I brought Arabella, then 2 and terrible and little Lily, then 4 months old and tiny but loud. We married and he quickly adopted Lily. Unfortunately, as previously divorced families go, we had to share both Allyson and Arabella with their other parents so time as a complete family was in short supply. Fast forward 9 years and we have added 3 children, 2 grandchildren, a son-in-law and a step-grandson! It is unthinkable how fast time flies.
We are a usual family with the usual problems. We do not have a lot of money...but then again, who with a lot of kids does?? We live in a small house but it is just the right size for us at this time. Allen and I both feel the smaller space leads the children to be more interactive and seek out alone time less. I still encourage alone time for reading and study but encourage just as much playing together and doing things together as a family. We are a spiritual family. We love the Lord and live the gospel of Jesus Christ (the best we can) as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. We could always be better, kinder, nicer, more generous, more sincere, more loving, and more Christlike. Fortunately, each day gives us the opportunity to be better and so every day I try to do just that!
This past August I got a yeast infection instead of a period. Yay...I thought there was no way I could be pregnant since Allen and I have been very careful. Not careful enough I suppose, says the midwife as she fills out the paper with my due date on it! Very funny. At my doctor's office, I had my 9 week checkup and we got to see the little baby on the ultrasound and hear the heartbeat! It is still so amazing to me how very quickly something so tiny develops into a little person. We met with her afterward and she gave us the usual run down of prenatal tests and what that involved. I have been with this nurse practitioner for the last 3 years and I really like her. She suggested the tests with my 2 year old, Samuel and so we knew that it was an additional opportunity to see the baby via ultrasound! I decided to go ahead with the testing, scheduling for a day the kids were all out of school so they could see their little sibling. During the testing, which took longer than I expected, the kids were all so excited and surprisingly well behaved. I met with my NP for a moment, had some blood drawn and went home not thinking twice about the testing. I got a call from my NP a couple days later to let me know my results were positive. I wasn't sure what this meant. I then asked, and she explained that due to the screening results thus far, my chances for having a baby with Down's syndrome had jumped from 1 in 375 to 1 in 23. I was then referred to Maternal Fetal Medicine to meet with a geneticist and have further testing. I was a little shocked but figured, hey! The odds are not that bad.
I can safely say I had not yet boarded my emotional roller coaster. I spoke with the geneticist, who although was extremely nice, spoke in a very grave manner. She advised several other possible screening we could do or we could go with definitive testing (amniocentesis). Allen and I discussed the risks and decided to go with an amnio since that way we would know for 100% sure. I was very anxious about the procedure, especially when it was scheduled for less than a week away!!
The amnio was very quick and relatively painless. The ultrasound tech, Sara, was so awesome during the pre-amnio ultrasound. She made us laugh and we chatted about our other children and her step-son and a bunch of other stuff. We also found out we were having a BOY!!! Allen was so excited he was jumping up and down! I have to admit I was secretly hoping it was a boy. I love my girls and would love another one, but my boys are my babies and I just really wanted another boy to be my last.
We met with a super nice doctor after the procedure and he explained a list of things he had observed in the ultrasound that were "soft markers" for Down's syndrome and that were a concern. He also had me give blood to screen for cystic fibrosis in case that could explain some of the issues. Through it all he was upbeat and positive and assured us our questions would be answered and all would be much clearer once the amnio results came back. He did notice the baby was measuring right on track, if not a bit above, which is not common with Down's babies. This gave some comfort for sure!
Ok, time to hop on that emotional roller coaster! I started looking up Down's syndrome and everything that could be a marker for it. I searched and researched and asked Google thousands of questions. (all in a matter of 2 days...) I would feel excited and positive our baby was perfectly fine. We were one of the 22. Other times, I would wallow in despair about what this would mean for our family. What would we do? How would our other children deal with this? How would Allen and I deal with this? The unknown would consume me.
Finally, I called the geneticist and asked about our test results and she confirmed the baby does in fact have Down's syndrome. At this point, I had begun to accept this would be the way it was. I was secretly hoping for normal but I was surprisingly not devastated to hear this news. It did not entirely sink in at that moment but I knew, when asked, we most definitely DID want to continue this pregnancy. We have no interest whatsoever in terminating our child just because he has an extra chromosome.
Since then, I have broken down and cried several times. Mainly from loss of what could have been or from feeling overwhelmed. How am I going to be able to handle a special needs child when I already have 5 other children? I have realized since then how prideful I have been when it comes to relying on people. I just assume people will be unwilling to help so I do not ask, but am still bitter about not having any help. Backward huh?? I decided I need to begin asking. If someone says no, I know enough people eventually I will find someone who will say yes. I am having to practice this and my closest friend keeps telling me, JUST ASK! It has only been a few weeks since we found out and we have already had 3 appointments and have 3 more scheduled in the next 3 weeks! The amount of doctors we are going to have to see in the coming years is overwhelming and intimidating.
On a positive note, our children, after being explained to about what Down's syndrome is and what that entails, were so excited!!! I think it increased their excitement. We also decided on a name; Benjamin. In spite of everything, today is a good day.
Tomorrow will come whether we are ready or not!
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